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Terry Thorne knows how to make a woman feel special. I find myself amused when he's suddenly right there with me, lips on my cheek, smelling of expensive cologne, dressed impeccably, having picked the perfect restaurant. And what amuses me is the sudden memory of telling Ben Wade that I'd finally realized I was totally over my years-long crush on Terry, that feeling that something magical would happen one day and he'd fall for me like I'd fallen for him

Here he is, then. And in another reality, this would be a date. I'd have butterflies in my stomach. He'd look in my eyes all night. We'd walk out, leaning dangerously close to one another until …

Maybe it's time to admit the truth - every woman has one guy she just never stops hoping with, doesn't she? Here I thought I'd closed the door on longing for Terry the moment of the trial when I understood there'd never been any interest on his part. But I guess I've been kidding myself that getting over a crush this solid was ever that easy or permanent, after all.

"It does seem you've been a bit scarce around the compound - but …" I almost say that I suppose we all know why that is - when I realize I don't even want to go there. Why should I bring up old news, hurtful times? I put my hand over his where it rests on the table. I look in his eyes and pay better attention. "I've missed seeing you. Seems wrong not to have you in my life so much anymore. There's so much going on … Tell me what's happening in your life, won't you? Please? I know you brought here to talk about something else, something important that's going on - but I'd rather not talk about bad things yet. Life's suddenly gotten a bit brighter for me and I'd rather not lose the glow just yet …"

Whatever glow I'm in makes me slow to react. I suppose it's fair to say I feel the axis of my world shift as he talks. Terry Thorne really was interested all those years ago? Still is? In me? I've built the last however many years on the "reality" that what I felt for him was more than just unrequited love -- but that I wouldn't have deserved a man like this and I'd been kidding myself during those weeks leading up to our disastrous "date" when I'd thought he'd been getting to know me on purpose because he'd liked me. Now he's saying those vibes I'd been picking up had been right on target -- but the dinner at my place hadn't gone according to any plan either of us had! I don't know if I feel like laughing or crying. If only either of us had been the kind of people to have just gone ahead and said, 'Well, that wasn't exactly right -- can we have a do-over?' Instead, we both retreated -- I never knew it wasn't only me licking the wounds. Why didn't I say something to him back then? Because I was never able to screw up the courage to take a chance on being outright rejected by him. That's my fault -- but he'd also seemed so remote to me after, like he'd wanted to have some distance between us lest I misunderstand how he'd felt about me. Turns out I had. I can't believe it!

In these moments as he talks to me, I look at him differently -- still 'the one who got away' but now as if his bullet-proof shield has been lowered just because he wants me to see the side of him I'd fallen for is still there, still tender and still available if I want it.

When he releases my hand and scoops up his menu, I would do anything to keep him from putting up that shield again. Even at the risk of my own new equilibrium gained through my night with Drover. Impulsively, I put a finger on the top of Terry's menu and pull it down until our eyes meet. I shake my head at him and grin.

"Not so easy! You can't drop a bomb like that on me and then just think you're going to pull the lid on it. Terry! Do you have any idea how I've felt about you all these years? My God, I was crazy for you back then -- thought I'd really won the lottery just to have you smile at me and talk to me. That night -- everything just seemed to go so wrong and I just assumed being alone with me made you realize I wasn't the woman you'd ever want to romance. I mean, we never even kissed!"

Terry's eyes drop from mine at first when I tell him how I felt but when I say that about us never kissing, he dashes me a look and it's so sexy I could crawl across the table to get to him. Every single feeling I had for him back then is rekindled by just that look.

"Honesty between us? Then here goes: I've never gotten over you, Terry. Don't expect to, either. I have spent the last few years pining for you and being jealous of every woman you ever dated -- and being extremely touchy and sensitive to any possibility you were being critical whenever we did cross paths -- but the truth is I have always admired you and I'm the one who took it childishly when I didn't get to be with you. If I'd been adult, we would have had this conversation a long time ago. I'm so silly when it comes to men. I never get it right because men who return any feelings I have for them usually scare me."

My cheeks feel so hot. I shake my head and look at the ceiling. Where is all this honesty coming from? First with Drover, now with Terry? What's changed inside me that I can even talk like this to men I care about so much? When I finally screw up the courage to look in his eyes, I have my walls down and I do feel a shiver of the old fear ... Still, this is a rare moment -- for both of us. I can't just run away again.

"I don't know how you found out about Drover. Look, I know I've just met him but he's already very, very special to me. I don't have a clue where it will go but I know it's worth a risk -- he's such a good man. Probably too good for me -- but he doesn't know that yet." I give Terry a smile -- and shrug. What can you say when you're dealing in truths? No reason to varnish them. "I am no doubt a horrible woman but I'm not going to be here with you tonight after what you've said to me and then deny how I feel about you either. Should we just agree to be mates? I definitely want to be your friend but ... what you've just said is ... Or am I making this too complicated? After all, you may find out I'm not a kisser to your liking if we ever were to really kiss ... Right? So maybe we should back away ... until we're both free at the same time ... Are we that sane and rational?"

Terry makes me smile at the same time he makes my insides ache. I know he got himself ready to be open with me in the hope it'd sweep me away with him. He's not wrong. But he's already pulling back just a bit -- getting to a safe distance. I appreciate that he has -- left to my own devices, if he'd pressed the advantage tonight, I'd have been so tempted it would have been hard to walk away.

What a mess that would have been because I do think it would have spoiled any chance to stay free with Drover. I sure do like the feeling of flying free with him.

Terry's smile has a shadow; mine does, too. You can't feel the way we do and not wonder about what might have been but for mistakes and timing. On the other hand, it's so damned wonderful to be able to meet his eyes again instead of avoiding even that connection.


"Yeah, about Uma ... We're making our way back. Andwhatever our problems, it wasn't not really because of you ... It's just that a lot of things seemed to come between us all at once. So don't fret -- we're patching over the sore spots and we'll come out of this stronger. Unless I murder Max Skinner first -- something tells me, Uma may not like that too much. She seems to have a sweet spot when it comes to the bastard."

Terry and I trade grins.



"Now as for gossip, as you well know, it never crosses my lips! Shame on you, Terry, for thinking you can flirt it out of me. On the other hand, there is some news that's not gossip but news. It's about Drover ... no, nothing like that. It's that he comes from a movie, like y'all. And not only that, there's another man who looks just like him ... and he comes from a movie, too. In fact, Ralph found his DVD today. His name's Logan ... I've met him. We haven't watched it yet -- we're going to do that tomorrow after work. And if you run into Ralph, don't let him get you worked up over this new DVD. The cover's all dramatic lighting and stuff -- but I've met Logan and he's a very cool guy. Nothing to worry over."

My immediate reaction is to rush to Ben's defense. So I bristle just a bit -- a reflex, really. But I feel less defensive than I did just a few days ago.

"You never did like Ben." I say this softly and he shrugs. "But I did. I'm still having a hard time dealing with him being gone and knowing he's dead back in the past. I loved him, Terry."

We sit there for a few moments, both staring into goblets of wine. And then I sigh as I feel what he's said wash over me. Terry has always been so astute, able to put things together that the rest of us miss most of the time. He sees the anomalies not so much the patterns. Jeremy was like that.

"I never thought about it before. Things did get mixed up when he came into our little world. Even before we knew he was here." I pause, wondering, trying to let the pieces form a picture. "You know, it's funny what you just said about finding the reasons behind all this. Ben left me a note; I found it after he left. He'd really been positive that Uma was behind all of the 'mysteries' -- all of you coming here, that you couldn't go back. He was convinced that if he could weaken her, her hold on all of you would slip and he could leave the way he came. It didn't happen, of course. He could only leave because I found his original book. But that was what was behind all his pulling strings and setting Uma up to take a fall. He just wanted to not be controlled by someone else deciding what his fate would be. Ben was sorry he'd done all that since it turned out he'd been wrong -- though he was still convinced she has some kind of power. But it's odd, isn't it? That he was obviously searching for an explanation, working it out, asking questions -- and now he's got us doing it, too. Maybe there was something about adding Ben to the mix that threw things out of kilter."

What? You're seriously asking me to invite Skinner to join us in something? My God, Terry, it's hard enough pretending I don't want to punch him every time I run across him at the compound.


Sorry. I just got this mental picture of me really having the nerve to slug Skinner. You have to admit that's funny. Oh, come on!

All right. I don't actually have the energy anymore to waste on despising him for trying to cheat me out of the Library. Actually, truth be told, I don't have energy for much these days except putting one foot in front of the other to make it through the day. If not for Drover, I wouldn't even feel like doing that. It's a hard time to navigate -- at least I'm not alone. So I'll bite my tongue and remember there's gotta be something good in him if Uma loves him.

You let me know your schedule? Maybe we can all gather at my place. I'll cook dinner. Don't look shocked -- I've gotten pretty good at it!

Terry? Thanks for tonight -- you have no idea how much this means to me. Just to know the truth -- and just to be able to tell you the truth, too.

There wasn't much about that kiss that I'd call chaste -- either on his part or mine. My knees start shaking before we finally let each other go. I have trouble thinking much less talking ...



"Wow. That was very nice ..."


He waits until I'm safely in the car. It takes me a little while to gather my wits and buckle the seat belt. He's still waiting. I finally get the car in gear and pull out of the parking lot. I glance in the rear view mirror and see him walking slowly back to his car.

Terry ... What a change this night has brought for us both.