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She fights to hold back the unwelcome tears that threaten to get out of her eyes after having heard the concern in his voice, his last word, her name, almost a whisper, and having seen the happiness vanish from his handsome face.

Because of her.

She has switched off that beautiful light that was dancing in his eyes only a while ago. It hurts her to hurt him.

She manages to smile, even if it's only a sad smile, and puts her hand gently on his bearded cheek, her thumb caressing it with an infinite tenderness.

"Things have happened, John. Things that I ignored but shouldn't have. And things I had almost forgotten about. Unfinished business, in France. If I want to have a chance to save something, I must go back there. And if I do... I might not be able to come back, even if... if… "

... even if I love you with all my heart and don't want, can't leave you. That's what she wants to tell him, that's what she should tell him. The unsaid words burn her lips. And her heart. But has she any right to burden him with her stupid mistakes? Has she any right to let him, to let herself hope in any future together?

Maybe not... but maybe she should nevertheless?

Just when she's going to say something else, the feminine voices that had been talking angrily to each other for a short while already but hadn't reached the inside of John and Clarity's little world, become more menacing, and, finally get their attention. As well as Paul running up the stairs and getting down with Uma, the little dog at the end of Pr Nash's leash yapping even louder, and now Cullen's voice, meaning probably more trouble.

"But... what...? What's going on there?"

She suddenly comes back to the present, and realises that long minutes have gone since John has asked her those important questions, while she was thinking about that conversation that had changed everything. John who's lying still and silent against her in the dark, in that bed where they have loved passionately each other only a while ago.

She closes her eyes, aware that he's giving her room and time to think about her answer, not rushing her, not pressuring her, and she loves him even more for that. She thinks she can feel his heart beat wildly, but maybe is she only making that up. He's waiting patiently for her answer... the answer that will determine their future together. Or not.

She's at a crossroads now. Either she tells him everything… or she tells him nothing.

If she tells him everything, they can try to sort this out together. She's pretty sure that he will try to help her in every way he can, to make her stay… while Philippe will use his acquaintances and do his best to make her leave.

But if John would probably not hesitate to put himself in possible danger to help her, she knows that he would never put all the other men, their friends, their whole world at risk, as tiny as that risk could be.

And she can so easily spare him that dilemma.

If she tells him nothing, she hurts him now, as well as herself, but she gives him a chance to find someone who will do what she can't now: keep him safe and happy. He will think she has taken advantage of him: free housing, someone to keep her warm as long as she was there, a pleasant and protective company… But it will make him forget her even faster and will hasten his other chance at happiness after she's gone.

Sacrifice. That grave and scaring word comes to her mind. Is that what she's about to do? Sacrifice that precious thing she's found with John, sacrifice her own chance at happiness with him, just because of a possibly-non-existing risk? Is she strong… or crazy enough to do that? Is her love strong enough?

Come on, this only happens in fiction! Only in books and movies do noble people make that kind of sacrifice out of love.

And this is no fiction. This is real life. Yes, she loves him enough to go to hell and back, but no, she isn't noble, or brave enough to give up what she wants more than anything in the world.


After that long silence, she finally speaks.

"John… I want you to know that I've always been sincere with you. I meant everything I've told you from the beginning. Each and every word. Even when I said that I would never leave you.

You're wrong about this, though: I did not try to leave. I tried to stay, I really tried. But… I failed. And I'm afraid that there's nothing either of us can do to make it change."

These are not the words she wanted to say, but the ones she had to say. Because she loves him. It's probably the most difficult decision in her life.

She's cowardly almost glad not to be able to see John's eyes at that moment. But she can't avoid feeling his body still against hers, and the effect her words have just had on it.

She closes her eyes again, fighting the tears that she feels coming. She knew it would be hard, but not that hard. And he's not helping by not giving up on her so easily. Her whole being is screaming silently at her to let it go, to tell him everything, to let him take charge and trust him to solve it all… she hasn't killed anyone after all! And more than everything, she's dying to give him freely all the love that he deserves and that she has for him in spades.

But his last sentence reminds her why she can't. He wants to 'move earth and heaven' to help her... those beautiful words both touch her deeply, but also scare her. It's precisely because she knows that he means them that she has to stick to her painful decision. She can't let him do anything that could put him in danger.

When she opens her eyes again, she looks away, evading his intense and searching gaze, that's trying to read her, not wanting him to find into her eyes the answers her words won't give him. Lying is something she's never been good at.



But he wants an explanation and he has any rights to get it. So she will give him the truth… even if it's only part of it. She speaks softly:

"Philippe is not threatening me. He's only trying to help me. His own way. And he has been very patient with me. So far.

When I came here around one year ago, it was only to improve my English, and I was supposed to stay only a few weeks. Before leaving, I had started to build a life in France, a life that I've put on hold while I was here. With you, in the heat of passion, I had almost forgotten all that.... or thought I could change it. But it cant' be changed. And Philippe has just reminded me that I couldn't ignore it any longer.

Still not looking at him in the eye, she says those cruel words that should do the trick… and seal their fate...

"What we've had together was intense and sincere… but… maybe it was meant to be… only for a moment? If there is someone above, maybe did He... or She want to show you that you can still feel something for someone? Maybe did he want to prepare you for the real thing? For the one who will be right for you, when she shows up.

But this person is not me."

Those words tear her heart apart, and she looks down, not wanting to see reflected in his eyes that unpleasant new image of her. She tries not to let her voice tremble with emotion when she adds, very lowly... "Maybe it's better if I go back to the Inn, until the day I leave."

How can she let him leave like that after what he's said to her? He loves her! And thinks she doesn't love him back! And in spite of this, he will go on loving her from far away? She really doesn't deserve that man.

She wants him so much that it hurts. But as her mother used to tell her: "you can only complain about things you're not responsible for. So change it or accept it." He loves her, she loves him, and she's letting all this go away… worse: she's making it go away! She's done stupid things in her life, but this one beats them all!

Change it or accept it…

Change it…

She hears the bathroom door open…

Change it…

It's so easy. All she has to do is tell him that she loves him as much… no, even more than he loves her, that she's not choosing anything anywhere over him, that she's choosing him and only him…

Change it…

But he just leaves, without even looking at her. And she lets him go away, without even opening her mouth.

… Or accept it.

She stays here, alone with those significant words that she didn't have the courage to say. Or had the courage not to say. Courage or stupidity? All that just because she thinks that there could be a risk for him… and she's not even sure of that. Is that worth it?

Yes it is.

So accept it.

She wants to cry, hoping senselessly that part of the pain would flow out of her with the tears, but she's not granted that relief.

Now that he's gone, she has no reason to stay in his house any longer. She starts to try and gather her few things, thinks she must leave him a note about the cat. If John doesn't want to keep him, she must ask Kathy to find him a new home. The poor kitty is yet another victim of her decision.

But she just can't focus on what she's doing. Better take a shower before leaving, she'll feel better after it. As if!

In the bathroom, she hesitates before turning the water on… washing him away from her body feels like washing him away from her life.

In a way, it is.

And then come those tears she almost desired, blending with the warm water dripping down her face.

When she stops, out of tears… and of warm water, the pain is still here.

She can't help thinking about what could have been her life with that wonderful man… and what it will be without him.

No, not again! Think positive now, stupid girl! This is your doing, assume it, and try to sort out your real future now.

Okay. She takes a deep breath.

She'll probably get home in time to… 'Home'… she looks around her, at this simple but comfortable and warm house, as warm as the man who lives here and has welcomed her a few months ago… this is what she used to call home lately.

STOP. IT!

Another deep breath.

So she will get back to… France, just in time to rescue what she had started one year ago with her small savings, after having resigned from her regular job, wanting to be free and be her own boss. She had put all her money in it and worked hard on doing all that had to be done, refusing the easier way of Philippe's help, to start a little traditional honey business in that place where she had grown up: Luberon. Philippe's grandfather, Antonin, used to be a beekeeper, and gave her the desire to live at nature's pace and make her daily life of what had always fascinated her: the miracle of honey making.

But she knew that, to make a living out of it, she would have to sell her bees' production on local markets, and through the Internet, to people from everywhere. And to do so, she needed to improve her English.

So that's why, before taking the bees she had gotten from one of Antonin's friends to their new home, and really starting her new job, she had put everything on hold for what she thought would be only a few weeks, and bought herself a flight ticket to sunny California… and to Max Skinner's new place.

After Fanny and Max's breaking up, Clarity had stayed in touch with Max every now and then. She had strangely always liked him fondly, from the very beginning, even when Fanny was telling her the worse things about him before and after their passionate love story. And in spite of his briskly tone, most of the time, Clarity felt he kind of appreciated her, his own way. So she naturally turned to him when she needed to immerse herself into English language for a while, and he had agreed that she came and give a hand in his restaurant and bar in return for food and a room.

To be completely honest, by asking Max she also had the secret hope that she could help to get him back to her friend Fanny who was very unhappy, even if the breaking up was mostly Fanny's doing. Of course, that was before she understood that Max had met the real thing with Uma and would very probably never go back to Fanny. Fanny had finally found happiness of her own again in someone else's arms… while Clarity was finding her own real thing with John Biebe before even thinking of going back to France, and to the life she had planned for herself before.

But in the meantime, Philippe was keeping an eye on her non-started-yet business. Time was running and most of the agreements and aid grants she had worked hard to get, would be meeting their deadline very soon. And she was going to lose everything. Philippe had always hated failure, particularly in business, and wouldn't let this happen. That's why he had finally called her. She had decided to give everything up to stay here with John, that's what she was trying to say to Philippe when the problem with the visa got in her way. Again, how could she have been so stupid?

When she had left France, Philippe had been rather unhappy at first, almost certain that she would put herself in trouble without him to watch over her, like he had been doing, or thought he was doing since they were kids. But she wanted to show him once again what she was capable of. Besides, he knew that she was right to want to give herself and her business every possible chance at success.

Maybe she should have married him after all.

But no, they had already escaped that mistake at the last minute or almost, years ago, and she still didn't regret it. Besides, she would never have met John. A few months in John's life are worth years of loneliness after, no doubt about this.

And Philippe, in spite of that little, well okay rather big mishap, was still a good friend, maybe a little more than a friend. As was still Fanny too.

But this was another story.

A story that she would soon…

Wait… wait, wait, wait… A story? A STORY! Maybe there's a chance, a tiny chance, but still a chance... How could she have missed that! It might work… it must work… IT HAS TO WORK!!!

(Continued from Max Skinner's thread)

She frees herself from John's grip and steps back a little, just enough to also free herself from his aura. She can feel his mixed feelings through his voice and his words, but his contact and closeness make them stronger and don't help with her own mixed feelings. Just then, she can read in his eyes that it was a bad move.

This and, paradoxically, the loss of physical contact make things even worse.

A game? You think that I'm playing? You can really imagine that I could have no feelings for you? That I could play with yours? That's what you think?

Feeling angry and scared makes her be unfair toward him.

What she feared is happening: he's investigating her. And he has started with the very person who could give him answers he won't like. But he's right, it's her fault, she should have really lied to him, taking away from him any desire to know more about her. But she just hasn't had the heart and courage to do it.

While scaring her because of what he might do next to help her, it oddly deepens even more her love for him. That wonderful man just won't let it go. He won't let her go. Or rather wouldn't. Before. What now that he knows what a stupid and unreliable girl she is?

She also strangely feels relieved. Relieved that the act was finally over now. She's never been very good at hiding things and even less comfortable with it. The future, their future is not her responsibility anymore. It's in his hands now.

Alright, you want to hear from the horse's mouth what Max has already told you… sheriff? Then here it comes!

She raises defiantly her chin.

He wants the truth, he's going to get it. All of it. She talks fast, in any order, not giving much opportunity for poor John to get it all, still driven by fear and anger. Fear of losing it all, of losing him just when she thought she had found a solution. And anger, directed more at herself than at him.

I was going to go back because Philippe, the guy in France as you said, reminded me that I have left there unfinished business… in the literal meaning of the world. I was going to go back because if I don't, I'll lose everything I've worked hard to get. And you know what? I finally wasn't going to go back because I had decided to give it up freely and happily for you. I had chosen you over everything else.

And before you asked, Philippe is a friend, a good friend but just a friend. He's always been. Well except that time when we almost got married but thanks, in a way, to Fanny (that was before she met Max) we didn't make that mistake.

But then I found out that I couldn't stay anymore, because, as you know by now, I had messed up with time, work, visa and everything. In a few words, I'm here illegally… illegally living in a sheriff's house. How does that sound? I didn't want you to think I was using you. And I didn't want to attract the law's attention on this place, on you. And I didn't want you to put yourself in danger to try and fix it up for me.

I trust you with my life, John… [she adds more softly…] but not with yours.

I've not been lying to you. I've just not told you everything. It's different.

But I've done this for you! Because I love you! Because I want you to be happy, with or without me. Because I couldn't live anymore if anything bad happened to you. Because I'm just a stupid girl who doesn't know how to love someone like you... a girl who just doesn't know how to love at all.

Is that what you wanted to hear? How does that make you feel now?

Oh John…

She's fighting the irrepressible need to throw herself in his arms and bury her face in his chest, where he would make her forget all those stupid things.

But it's been a long time since she had found out that all problems can't vanish into a cuddle.

So she just stays here, waiting for his reaction. She looks away, not wanting him to read the battle of fear and hope in her eyes, and trying hard to swallow back the tears she feels coming. No way she's going to let pity influence his decision to go on loving her… or to reject her.

"With a teacher like you, I think I can learn about anything. Even trust." She whispers into his chest where she's buried her face, as she was dying to do a while ago. His big warm body against hers, his strong arms around her and the steady beat of his sweet heart feel so comforting. This is the right place for her to be. Here, nothing can be wrong. Everything will be alright from now on. She has been so close to lose him.

Just then, she realises that she's wetting his shirt with silent tears of relief. She sniffles loudly and rather unladylikely. A large checked handkerchief appears in front of her eyes, as if by magic. Even that little detail makes her heart melt and she loves the fact that this traditional man still has fabric handkerchiefs while most everyone uses disposable ones nowadays.

She loves him so much! And she's been so mean to him, even if she thought it was for his own good. But, when she's seen that look on his face when he has realised that she really loves him, a look she will never forget, she had instantly understood what a mistake she had made. Instead of fighting against him to leave and hurt them both, she should have trusted him and let him fight with her to make her stay. Fortunately, it's not too late.

She kisses tenderly his chest through his damp shirt and holds him tighter. "I love you, John Biebe, I love you, I love you, I love you!"

She looks up at him again…

… and likes what she sees in his eyes.

" I think there can't be a better day to say it again and again, don't you think? How do you also say on that day… be my… Valentino?"

But she can't completely forget her worries. "John… you said that you have friends who can do something about the visa… You don't mean that they could do something illegal for you, Sheriff, do you?" She pretends to look shocked but the little smile she can't repress shows that she's teasing him.

She becomes serious again: "I don't want anyone to risk any trouble because of my silliness.

In fact, when I came here a while ago, it was to find someone who could tell me if the idea that came to my mind this morning could work… if I could… I don't know... Do you think that Ann and Ralph have books about France?"